last published on Feb 28, 2010

So it's been awhile, again. More than awhile; just over a year since I posted to this blog. I've been slacking, in more ways than one. Anyway, here I am. Back to blogging.

Last night, in a semi-druken haze induced by Stoli Blackberi, I realized (with the help of a friend) that I'm not really enjoying my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life. It's a pretty good one. I'm blessed with a great husband, 3 wonderful kids, some pretty awesome friends, a reasonably nice house in a reasonably nice neighborhood, I've got a good job... the list goes on and on. But for some reason I'm not enjoying it. This is no one's fault but my own.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that we make our own destiny. Fate is a whimsey I don't take part in often. Happiness is a choice. How we live our lives is up to us. Do I live my life bitching about the silly things or do I wake up every day thankful I get another day in this pretty great life of mine? My choice.

Point of my rambling thus far; today I start enjoying things a little bit more.

"Say nothing, and someone may think you are wise" Job 13:5

I managed to get my kids out to church this morning. This feat certainly deserves some kind of mom award, if such things existed. The kids actually behaved, and Scott managed to stay awake, so all in all it was a good service.

The main theme of the sermon today was listening with a focus on Chapter 13 from the Book of Job. I thought this was quit an appropriate passage for me. Lord knows, there are many times where I fail horribly at listening to those around me.

Religious or not, Christian or not, the passage from Job is a good one. After losing everything he has, including his wife, children, possessions, and health, Job's friends sit with him for 7 days in silence. But as soon as Job begins to talk about how he feels his friends feel the need to interject with their personal thoughts. This pushes Job pretty much over the edge. His retort" Your proverbs are as useless as ashes. Your arguments as weak as clay. Be quiet and give me a chance to speak! And let the results be what they will!"

In a nutshell, sometimes you need to just shut up, realize it's not always about you, and listen to what someone else has to say. Let them cry, bitch, mourn, and work out their feelings. Just be there to listen. Sometimes it's the wisest thing you can do.

Back to blogging

I took a ridiculously long break from gracing the interwebs with my useless opinions and drivel regarding my daily life and family. I've decided this break was a waste, plus I get bored when I'm not writing something, so I'm back here on blogspot.

Thought for today...

My kids are getting to damn old. My realization of this started with Rylan's desire to buy a fedora. Not that a fedora in and of itself signifies any kind of maturity level, but just the fact that he made a fashion choice that was so...him... showed me that he's thinking for himself.

Brianna washed her face with cold cream. She's concerned she's going to get pimples, and wants to take care of her skin. I try to remember that I was just slightly older than her when I started shaving my legs, but the very uncool parent in me wants to stick her in a frilly pink smock and put pigtails in her hair and remind her that she's still a little girl.

Chayse got a real haircut. Considering this was only his second real haircut in his 5 years of life (the others being trims done by me and a traumatizing chop job done by himself), this was a big step. He's also starting pre school next week. My last baby, growing up. I realized the other day that he was probably too big to fit in his mei tai anymore and I should probably give it to someone who could use it. But honestly, I don't think I could bring myself to hand it over to anyone.

Riece made me do it

My friend, Riece, has been telling me that I need to update this blog thing. I think she is the only one reading, but I figured I will humor her ;)

So, since I needed something fun and interesting to write about I decided to go out and get a Monroe piercing today and write about that. I went to the place that I am having some tattoos done Hartford County Tattoo. The girl there took me as a walk in and 15 minutes later I walked out with a new hole in my face!

For those of you that don't know much about piercings, a Monroe is a piercing that is in the approximate area that Marilyn Monroe had her mole. Also sometimes called a Crawford, after Cindy. I've been wanting another facial piercing for awhile, and I think this was a good one to go with. I considered the lip, but with my freakish obsession with Chapstick (the traditional black and white tubed Chapstick brand only, thankyouverymuch!) I felt a lip piercing might interfere with my frequent application of the semi liquid crack that I so love.

So here is a pic


And for an extra tidbit, my favorite new artist has been climbing the charts and getting a great amount of airplay for her song I Kissed a Girl. Now, don't get me wrong, I love that song but I don't feel like it's the best representation of Katy Perry's talent. So here for your viewing pleasure is a much better example of why I think Katy Perry is the bomb.

Some funnies

My kids are destined to be stand up comedians. I don't know where they get their humor from, because I can't say that Scott or I are very humourish folks (although I have that whole sarcasm thing locked down!), but all three kids are just hams.

For instance, Rylan well just pop out with the funniest things. The other night we were haning out with our friends Steve and Colette. Steve (who wears a red bandana on his head now and again) said something odd and Rylan looks at hims cockeyed and says "man with a bandana say whaaaaa?"

This morning Chayse, being his usual cute self, was looking out the back door. Mind you he was naked, and trying to shoot squirels with his nurf gun. At one point he comes running to me to look at something. He tells me "Look, mama, it's a chinchilla!" I explain to him that, no, it is not a chinchilla. It's just a squirel. He looks at me and says "No. mama. It's a chinchilla. I shoot da squirels but not da chinchillas" Well, oooookay then, Chayse.

Links

Time to change the drinking age?

Pole Tax?

This guy is either real crazy or real fun.

Want to catch an Off Broadway show?

On a happier note

Brianna and I had a conversation last night about me being in school.

Me: How do you feel about me being in school? Do you miss me because I'm not around as much?

Brianna: Yes

Me: Do you think me being in school is a bad thing or a good thing?

Brianna: Well, when you're done you'll be a nurse right?

Me: Yes

Brianna: Well, I want you to be a nurse so it's good.

Doesn't make it all better, but it sure helps.

1 year, 6 months, 14 days

1 year, 6 months, 14 days. That is how long I have been in nursing school. 2 months, 15 days until I graduate.

With graduation quickly approaching I have found myself pondering a few things about the past almost 2 years. In the time that I have been in nursing school things in my life have drastically changed. In all honesty, I wouldn't be able to say that I am the same person I was before I started this journey.

In almost 2 years I've gone from having a relatively happy marriage to being on the brink of divorce. I'm truly unsure as to whether my marriage will survive all of this. We are on our second round of marriage counseling. Scott fells ignored, I feel stressed and alone. Neither of us are very happy.

My relationships with my children, while still close and loving, are different. I'm not there with them like I used to be. Once Rylan over heard me tell a teenage friend who was inquiring about nursing school "If you go to nursing school, do it before you get married and have kids". When she asked me why, Rylan sharply replied "Becasue when you are in nursing school you don't ever get to see your family". And while I think I have done a decent job of balancing school and family, that right there says a lot.

2 years ago Scott and I rarely worried about paying our bills. Don't get me wrong, we had tight months, but this has been a tight year. Today I have around $150 in my account and somewhere around $2500 worth of bills to pay. Clearly I won't be paying those bills. We have nothing to fall back on. We have borrowed money, begged for babysitting, and asked favors from almost everyone we know. We thank everyone whole heartedly for their help and support, but I know a simple Thank You is just not enough.

So I am left with the very unpleasant question; Has it all been worth it? With all this trying to get ahead, what am I leaving behind? Now I'm sure that when I graduate and get a job that works with my kids schedules and will essentially double our current income I will have a better grasp of the worth of my endeavors, but right now I am not so sure that it's been worth the struggles and the things I've given up. The things I've asked my family to give up.

I look back before school, and I think we were a happier family then. I stayed at home with the kids, worked part time, and tended to the house. Scott worked his job and helped me out when needed. We fought, but we always made up. The kids were happy and I don't think they felt neglected. I don't think any of us felt neglected. Now, well I'm not so sure.

I guess the point of all of this is that getting ahead requires sacrifice. We all know this. I knew this when I started. And I hope that the sacrifice that have been made are worth the outcome in the end.